Wednesday, June 16, 2010

On my mind

For me, the beauty of the blog is sharing without actually sharing. Clearly, this is not a diary, but it is a log of sorts, spelling out things that are happening in my life and in my commerce. Therefore, it makes it a bit challenging when one's mind is plagued with things that are not bloggable. We can attempt to talk in general terms, but that just seems a waste of everyone's reading time, so let me try and be general without being too general?

Family: Aren't these the most wonderful and complicated relationships? Truly, I find them to be mysterious. We all feel so viscerally about them, whether that be a positive or negative reaction and what binds our emotions is that we all have them. Family, that is. We love them. They drive us nuts. But most of all, these relationships so heavily influence our decisions and directions and opinions, whether we want them to or not. I am personally so fortunate to have an incredible family, but I will tell you, the older I get the more I see how much I am a part of their fabric. This both drives me crazy and exhilarates me. Actually, without over simplifying the subject matter, let me say that maybe this is the ultimate mystery of the familial relationship. It is a paradox.

Professional: You know, I'm not one to view my professional life as defining. I loathe the "What do you do?" question. The inference that my job is what I do. With that being said, most recently find myself more inclined to have personal investment in my 9 - 5 job. This is for various reasons; a recent promotion, increased power and flexibility and work on more interesting subject matter. But, what I find most problematic about this is the ways in which that personal investment causes affect outside of the work place. I used to leave work and at the same time left any sort of stress attached to the environment. Most recently, I'm finding myself spending significant time outside of the work place mentally engaging that which is troubling to me. From one stand point, I can see that positive with this in that, I care. That is great and I am fortunate to be in a place where I care about that which I am doing. Yet, this weighs me down. I'll be honest. When things aren't right, I can't help but dedicate extra energies to thinking them through and frankly, right now, that tires me.

Life is Good: I'm so fond of my life. I really am. I am afforded so many privileges and opportunities and frankly, just more than I could ever need. I have people who love me. I am spiritually strong. I eat great food. I buy nice things and I also am able to do that which I find rewarding and fruitful, therefore, I always feel a bit guilty about complaining. This has much to do with how I was raised. A good protestant doesn't complain too much because that reflect an attitude of ungratefulness and we are first and foremost to be grateful. With this, I agree, but let me say that I think change and progression actually comes with a little complaining. I heard a speech this weekend at the commencement ceremony I worked by John Patrick Shanley. Let me say firs that I thought it was terrible. Self indulgent and seemingly disinterested in the audience. Having said that, I did take away a message from it. It is because we are uncomfortable that we make progress. Life is generally uncomfortable, so we work to make it better. This is ringing very true for me. Because so much is so good and I am so thankful for that which is more than comfortable, I am aiming to tackle that which is most uncomfortable and work to make it stronger and better and more manageable. Frankly, this sucks. It's amazing how we can say that we know certain things will be hard and we can tell everyone how hard they will be and we can try and prepare ourselves for the ways in which they will be hard, but being in the midst of something hard totally sucks. But, I really believe because things are good, it is worth it.

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