Thursday, March 25, 2010

On Now What?

This post will be the first of what I imagine to be many on the topic, but I wanted to put a few things out there that I've been thinking about.

I had a lovely dinner last night with my fellow friend and musician. We discussed what's the latest in trashy television, friendship and dating storied, what we're doing, why we do it, what we didn't do well. It was just of those lovely dinners and conversations that lasted just long enough to reinvigorate my thinking.

Let me interject by saying that I am reading Just Kids by Patti Smith, which documents her relationship with Robert Mapplethorpe and their relationship with altruism and art. It is no doubt a romanticized tale and I have no delusions about what is not being told, but I do feel somewhat inspired and reinvigorated by the reminder that some people believe strongly that their duty and calling in life is to serve their art. Err, let me rephrase, saying that it is beyond duty. It is beyond human. A possible direct link or calling by God to be lived for.

Now, back to my dinner. My friend is a incredible soul to bounce musical ideas and a bit of gossip off of, because first and foremost, I don't believe he minces words and second of all, because I find myself a bit, how can I say, not envious, but interested in his path. He makes his wage by making music, primarily in sacred settings and he does a great job of it. Unlike him, I supplement my income through similar jobs, but still commit my days to an office which I have a capricious relationship with. He readily offers the drawbacks to his situation and I share the challenges with mine, but in line with what has been plaguing my brain recently, I can't help but think he has offered himself up to something I have not...

To add an additional layer to this, I'm in the midst of fielding the "Now what?" question, quite regularly in response to the completion of my M.A. As I have said previously, I feel quite positive that I am making the appropriate response by saying that this degree was not necessarily intended to lead me to my next step, but to enhance whatever step that might be. I'm somewhat convinced that my next step may be to sit still for a small bit and collect my thoughts, but regardless, I don't regret the degree nor do I regret it not pointing me in a specific direction. Nothing I've ever done has pointed me in a specific direction. I like to think I'm generally too interested in too many things to be specific. But, (and here's the big but) maybe that has been an excuse. Maybe my general interest in too many things is my "Now what?"

I'm not going to articulate this clearly at this point, but in short, maybe I need to stop rejecting many things and be all things. Maybe I need to accept my call to altruism and art.

More on this soon...

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